Change of Heart

I finally came to the other side, healed and complete. I’m no longer afraid of what might come. I never thought it would be possible to stand here, happy to have the life I live. I’ve embraced myself without reservations and am excited to wake up every morning to have another day.   I struggled for a long time with feelings of anger and depression after the loss of my babies, my job, my husband’s job, our house and everything we possessed. We had to sell all our furniture, our cars and little things we had worked for years to have, only to survive. I felt as if we were being punished for not being perfect. We struggled with our faith and also at a personal level; our marriage wasn’t what we pictured when we got married and we were not sure if we would be able to make it. All of this happened within the course of 6 months. I’m still not sure if I should publish such a personal sequence of events, but what I know is that other people’s experiences help us and give us light when we need it, that’s why I want to share.   Life is not perfect for anybody and letting others know my vulnerability and difficulties is what I am and that’s what real life is. I believe I have been transformed into a better person through all those troubles and my relationship with God and my husband is very strong and committed. I never thought I would say this, but I am grateful for the pains because they have brought lasting joy.   I thought that having served a mission for our church would secure my husbands and my own faith to be strong and our marriage to be always harmonious. I was wrong; it takes consistent work and a balance in life to achieve happiness.   I was feeling depressed and confused about my personal purpose of life for a long time. I couldn’t appreciate what I had, a healthy body, the knowledge of the gospel and my family. All I wanted wasn’t given to me and I literally felt as if I were swimming against a very strong current in the river of life. My answer had been given in my mind and heart and knew what it was, but was determined to change it, no matter what. All I wanted was another child and somehow life would turn into a perfect world.   3 years passed and my heart felt empty and angry as my wish didn’t coming true. I isolated myself and became even sadder. I wanted to deny that the whole world kept moving forward while I wasn’t. I felt jealous and hopeless.   My sister, who lived in a different state, was pregnant and close to her due date when her husband Ben, lost his job.  He found a job with my husband and moved in with him while I moved in with her. In other words, Ben and I switched places and I became my sister’s roommate. Before the move, I was scared. I didn’t know how to cover my feelings of sadness, jealousy and anger I had been feeling for so long and more so now that I had to live with her and help her with her children.   I decided to suck it up and focus my energy on helping my sister in anything and everything I could, I was going to trust the Lord in giving me the strength I needed, but I wasn’t sure how. I put my feelings to the side and let life be whatever it had to, I was going to trust it. Two months passed and the baby was born prematurely. I had no idea how this night would change my life and transform my heart to the way I wanted but couldn’t do on my own.   Scarlet Kirk was born 0n May 24th, 2011 at around 8:43 AM, I cut her umbilical cord and saw her and welcomed her to this world. I couldn’t stop crying and was amazed at the miracle of life. I had forgotten how incredible life is, how perfect our bodies are and how much life matters to me. All the memories of my son’s birth came alive and I could almost re-live those moments when I heard her cry for the first time. The room where my sister was, felt warm and peaceful, she had been in labor for almost 9 hours and had her daughter without medication. She did an incredible job and I loved her strength and tenacity to endure such great pain. I held her hand and our bond as sisters became stronger.   My heart was full of joy and happiness I couldn’t describe. I was amazed at how Scarlet would be soothed after crying, by listening to my sister’s voice. I felt as if I had been put there at that precise moment to witness the miracle of life and to have a change of heart.   I reflected on that event for many days, I saw the baby come home and enjoyed her presence as much as I enjoyed being with my sister watching her being an incredible mom. I started to look at my son in a different way; my heart was filled of gratitude for him, for being able to be his mommy. I loved him more than I ever remember loving him, my attention focused on him, his smile and words. I had forgotten about him for a long time being focused on something else.   My son is a gift. He made me a mom and helps me love life every day. I am grateful for him and feel complete. I don’t need anything else to feel peaceful, I got it and it’s amazing. I have experienced a miracle change of attitude and heart, I’m happy to have the life I have, I don’t compare myself to anyone else because everybody deserves happiness. All human beings on earth are trying to do the best they can. I’m nobody to judge, I let life be what God decides its best for me.   I have gone on bike-rides with my son, have taken life slowly and enjoy the precious time I have with my little man. My husband has been there for me every step of the way. He has loved me and accepted me the way I am, even when I’m not the nicest one to be around. I have become a better human being because of my sweetheart Shane, he is a true example to me, I learn from him every day and I wouldn’t imagine my life without him. He is the most loving, selfless man on earth and deserves all love and joy. Ill work my butt off the rest of our lives to make sure he has a happy and loving wife who makes his life worth living (last part stolen from Dr. Laura)   My sister is now with her husband and happy as a clam. Her three little girls are adorable and she says they miss me a lot. J Life is really good, thanks Heavenly Father J